Anthony
The Beginning:
I truly don't know where to begin to find the words for how the pandemic affected and impacted my life. My life has always been filled with trauma. So, to experience a global pandemic in my adult years wasn't necessarily a negative impact at first. Yes, I was alive for other viruses like H1N1, E. Coli, Ebola & West Nile, but the Coronavirus was the one that changed my life forever whether it had been for better or for worst. To experience a global shutdown was interesting, to say the least, but I have always been an introverted person by nature. Being in the comfort of my home wasn't that off-putting. It wasn't until I could no longer do regular day-to-day things was when I started to view the pandemic much differently. Before the pandemic, I started seeing a psychologist to address my childhood trauma. Having to navigate life as a fully independent adult was never particularly easy for me… at all. While I was grateful to have had government employment during the pandemic I also started to take full advantage of the calmness and stillness I was now experiencing because I knew I would never get this time to get things done ever again; So I went on disability leave to address my declining and neglected mental health issues. My life was so fast-paced before the pandemic. I never truly realized how quickly things were going. I would literally wake up at 7 am to be at work at 9 am to have an extracurricular activity at 6 pm and would have dinner or drink with a friend right after which I wouldn't reach back home sometimes until 2 am. That's crazy to think about. I know we say time is never promised, but I was soon to be reminded of that saying in the most unexpected way possible. Sure I was taking care of my mental health, saving money, and investing in myself and future goals; and in hindsight, I was feeling "normal" for the very first time in my life, but there was nothing I could've done to prepare myself when I lost my mother at the age of 51 due to Covid-19.
She was in Ghana, Africa at the time. My mother was a very strong-willed, free-spirited woman. The details of her untimely death are so layered and intricate that I would need more than a page to paint the picture for you. On March 5th, 2021 my mother contacted me and told me she has the virus. She had been in Ghana since December 2020 and first caught Malaria upon her arrival. She also suffered from High Blood Pressure. Although I tried my very best to remain optimistic and positive my mother was not as strong and I, unfortunately, had to bear witness to her excruciating demise through phone and video calls. By March 9th, 2021 my mother passed away. 4 days. 4 days of dreadful stress, tears, and uncertainty and it ultimately dredged up my trauma that I was working my absolute best to overcome or accept or maintain… whatever. I have two younger siblings aged 12 & 14. Breaking that news to them was such a heart-wrenching experience and the confusion and sadness on their faces is something I would never forget. For the next month, I had to do everything on my own and I did what I needed to do to honor and cherish my mother with little to no support from my family. The Canadian embassy did nothing to help me bring my mother home and it became very convenient for them to blame everything on the current state of the Coronavirus pandemic. With that, I could not bring my mother's body home. So I flew out to Ghana, on my own, with no family no friends, to cremate my mother and bring her home to her family and children. Since then it has been a terrible, nasty, and disgusting battle over her estate and the well-being of my siblings and I have been met with nothing but greedy people who are undermining me as her eldest next-of-kin and with no will prepared to handle her affairs. Funerals and Weddings… they say that's when you realize people's true colours and I unfortunately am experiencing that first hand. I am at peace with being able to honour and cherish my mother and I was a sense of peace as her last words to me were "I Love You". I am motivated to strengthen my spirituality so that I can continue to feel her presence. I hope she is proud of me and forgives me for the boundaries I had to set for my elders. It's not easy and I wouldn't want this tress to fall upon anybody. I love you mommy and I hope you have found the peace you very much deserve.
The End:
I wish I could tell you, whoever is reading my story, that things have gotten better for me since the pandemic. Although things may be back to normal I am slowly accepting that my life is not normal. My life is filled with heartache, pain, despair, and disappointment. I am self-taught, and self-sufficient and have always had to remind myself to think positively even if my current stage in life wasn't positive. You would think dealing with suicide ideation and homelessness during my life journey would've been enough. Even losing the most important woman in my life wasn't enough for me as I lost my grandmother, my mother's mom, on March 5th, 2022. Can you believe that? Almost one year to the date I had to bury my grandmother. She peacefully passed away and was a born-again Christian. She was my biggest support system emotionally and she left me too. The crazy thing about this whole ordeal in my life is that I prophesied this. I prophesied both of their deaths. My trauma always had me thinking years ahead of my time. I would always tell myself "no matter my current situation, I need to better myself for my siblings
because as I get older so do my parents and with age comes…" you know. Unfortunately, my father is an addict to both drugs and alcohol. Literally, everything has fallen back onto my shoulders and is the most unbearable pain I have ever succumbed to. My debts have tripled, and I have no support from family; all while having to remain positive for the sake of my well-being. I want you, the reader, to understand that having an open mind is not easy, being optimistic is not easy, and being positive is not easy. Sometimes these are our only options to sustain a well-balanced life. A little compassion goes a long way so the next time you judge the homeless person on the street and turn your nose up to the person losing their marbles, I want you to think of my story and how overcoming depression and oppression is not easy. I should've been taken out a long time ago. I should have lost willpower a long time ago. I should not have had to bury my mother in my late 20s and now have to come up with solutions for me and my siblings with little to no resources. The government doesn't treat people like myself with understanding and grace. I have been pulling teeth to make ends meet and it is unfair. Covid-19 has borderline ruined parts of my life. I will never be the same and it's very important to do your due diligence and do the research and shadow work so that we can all get through this together. The next time a conspiracy theorist or "anti-vaxxer" is spewing their ill-informed notions on the public, it is your duty to call that crap out. Everyone has a prerogative that they are entitled to and which we must treat with respect, but being complicit in these scary, fast-changing times is more damaging to society. I'm sorry. I'm ranting now but I'm just speaking from my heart.
The only positive I took from this pandemic is I made an oath to myself that "I am going to live my life unapologetically no matter what the eff that may look like to others" The bain of my existence has always been my sexuality. I have always been ridiculed and ostracized for my sexuality and queerness. Although I never had much time to express this to my mother, I am happy that she was aware of what living my truth looks like. Although her old-fashioned views and perspective on life overshadowed her acceptance of my lifestyle and choices; her unconditional love was always present. Although things are crappy right now I decided when I was at my lowest, being in a homeless shelter, that I was going to become a drag queen. I always knew I was born to be a star… I just didn't know how I was going to do it as a queer male. Now that I have taken control of my narrative, set stern and strict boundaries with my elders, and have put my mental health as my top priority; I have flourished and blossomed so much within myself and my drag persona. I am my hero. Drag has saved my life. It gave me a new perspective and profound outlook on life… and I am determined to become Canada's Next Drag Superstar… even if that superstar is only relevant in the comfort of my own home. I look too damn good to continue wasting my potential, talent, and gift!
"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him"… watch as I continue to build my home… and slay while I'm doing it.
Anthony Meeks
