Jennifer
"Je tiendrai ton coeur plus tendrement que le mien."
"I will hold your heart more tenderly than my own.”
I believed those words described the kind of love I was searching for. Looking back, I misunderstood this entirely. For most of my life, I searched for my worth in other people. I looked for it in friendships, romantic relationships, and business partnerships. Every compliment helped shape my identity and every rejection validated my insecurities. I built my life around earning love instead of receiving it. Becoming whatever people needed me to be - convinced that if I gave enough of myself, eventually someone would choose me. Instead, I found myself drawn into relationships that became toxic. Some were abusive, most were manipulative, and controlling. Whenever life became unbearable, I ran. I changed relationships, jobs in different countries - always in pursuit of a fresh start believing this would somehow erase the pain of the last one. But every change carried the same unresolved story because I was carrying the same broken version of myself with me. Completely isolated, I no longer recognized myself. Relationships fell apart, my finances collapsed - the life I had worked so hard to build looked intact from the outside but, internally I had never felt more broken and alone; running was no longer and option. Then, out of the darkest and most difficult period of my life, came the greatest gift I could have ever received - my son. I finally experienced a love that asked nothing of me, yet I’ve spent my entire life believing I had to earn this. I started to heal and it wasn’t immediate nor was it dramatic. Just ordinary days where I chose not to run. I learned to sit with pain instead of escaping it, started setting boundaries without guilt, and untangled my identity from other’s expectations. Along that journey, I had written a note to my son for when he is grown;
“The truth is, love exists in so much more than a romantic partner. Love is everything around you, and I hope you learn how to open your eyes to that. I hope you find it in everyday life - that you find it in early morning sunrises we shared and in the smell of your favourite places. I hope you find it strung between the laughter you share every day with friends. In the way it bounces off you when you hug the people you care for, that you fell it swell within your ribcage whenever you hear your favourite songs or discover something that moves you. I hope you fall in love with change, find the beauty in making mistakes, and becoming exactly who you want to be. For you to fall in love with places within yourself which you could have been softer, kinder to in the past. Because if there is one thing I have learned, it is that love is so much more than the human being who is holding your heart. Its all that is around you - everything.”
I thought I was writing this for him. Now, I see this as a note for myself as a reminder. Not because my past has disappeared or because the scars no longer exist, but because my perspective has changed. This is my true new beginning.
Today, I understand the quote that stayed with me - it was never about finding someone who would hold my heart but, instead learning how to hold my own heart more tenderly than anyone else's.
