I embarked on the journey to self discovery as trauma continued to compile in my life. I always knew that everything happened for a reason and although I was grateful it didn’t stop me from drowning in the pain of past moments. I was stuck on a loop, chained to the memories holding on thinking that if I let go, I might forget and find myself back in the places that uprooted my hope in humanity.
I was scared to let go in fear that I might relive past moments with new faces. Fall for the old lies and be made a fool for choosing to give others an opportunity to enter into my safe spaces. I was making myself sick with the ideas of what ifs and thoughts that people would take my kindness as a weakness. My softness turned into rough edges, like a dilapidated house surrounded by barbed wire and broken pieces of glass. I thought that this is what safety had to look like since when I would open up to people I was met with disappointment and the pressure to perform. I believed I was creating a fortress of protection when in reality I was trapped in the prison of my mind. I held my tongue and guarded my heart, I became cold and withdrawn. I dispersed into the dark corners of my consciousness and began to understand that I was slowly losing myself. I was trapped and debilitated by the ghost of anxiety that haunted me at night.
Then one day I had an epiphany, I shouldn’t let other people’s darkness dim my light. I was so scared to be hurt I ended up destroying myself instead of allowing others to do so. All I longed for was to be loved and appreciated but how could that occur when I held up a mask that was hiding who I was, all for the sake of creating my own safety. I began to understand that life is what you make of it. That if flowers were able to grow from the concrete and I was no different. If all odds were against that flower and it had the audacity to bloom through those conditions, then how dare I bury the hope that made life worth living.
It is an uphill battle everyday and in no way, I am close to the top but every time I allow hope to outweigh my fears, I come closer to breaking through and blossoming into my most beautiful authentic self. I now allow opportunities to find me, and I jump in with both feet. I learned that life is what you make of it. Late is always better than never and with that I embrace all of life’s challenges with the understanding that they are opportunities to grow.